Tuesday, September 29, 2009


Who are you? I've forgotten who you are.
Where did you go? You left me laying here cold.
I can't remember the last thing you told me, the last time we talked.
The closeness we shared is a blurry memory broken by fractured dreams.
We overstepped bounds. Pushed past the red tape. Ignored the warning.
Now we face the awful truth about us. That we've forgotten each other in a jungle full of weeds and thorns.
I can't see you anywhere. I can't hear your voice. I don't know if that's good or bad. But you aren't calling out to me so that I can find you again.
We're drifting apart. Walking in two different directions. With every step the distance grows. Where are you going? Why did you leave?
I have to start moving; finding my way out of this place. Without you by my side, I'll still make it through. The thick jungle catches my sleeve, the thorns rip across my skin. It hurts and I bleed, but I won't let it stop me. I'm moving, gotta keep moving. The trees are thinning and the grass is shorter. I start to run. Picking up the pace now. I'm almost there, I can see the clearing ahead.
When I make it out, I'll bask in the sun. Feel the heat on my face, the sweat roll down my back.
I'll sit down and look behind me, just over my shoulder. Enough to see the mess I just found my way through. Alone. On my own. Believe me, when the cool breeze blows across my skin, I'll know it was worth it. All the work, pain, tears and loss.... all of it was worth it. To get there, out alive, believe me it was. And I'll smile....

Move Along....

Life is moving by too fast to stand still in this place anymore.
I have to grab onto the handle and hold on. I have to move along.
My name is being called now, I have two choices--check in or check out.
Too long have I stood on this fence. It's time to jump. Gotta pick a side and dive.
I've got my ticket in hand. What comes next is up to me. A choice I gotta live with and one I need to be happy to make.
Run for the train, grab the handle and hold on. Put a smile on my face and look forward. Can't look back, and can't back down.
No fading into oblivion, not here, not yet, not ever. It's time to go. Move along.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Out of the ashes, a Phoenix rises. (Unfinished)

The numbness is fading. Lifting it's weighted veil. And through the dank, dreary obscurity I see a reflection.

Slowly the image comes into view and I see myself. But it's really not me. More like a shell of a person. No light coming through the eyes, dark and sunken in. Pale complexion, saddness spilling out of her eyes, it's as if she was weeping for the world. A wilting flower, life flowing from her veins. The part of her that once made her beautiful and vibrant is ripped and torn from her; the peices laying on the floor at her bleeding feet. Half naked, scared and cold. Bruised and dirty. Lost and jaded. She stares.....

The girl, surprised at the sight of herself, falls to her knees and cries out; in pain, in weariness, in awe. The world seems to move in slow motion now as she whispers "How?" and sinks further to the floor, it almost seems as if shes being pulled down by unseen chains. Bringing her hands to her face she touches her ashen skin, looks deeply into her own sullen eyes and becomes angry.

What is this life? Who is this girl? So irrevocably lost and broken. Guilty of and vulnerable to all her faults. Life is moving by her like a roaring freight train and the sound of it as it passes is deafening. The eyes of those watching her from the sidecars as they pass turn away in shame; heads shaking in disappointment. In that moment, she lays down. Closing her swollen, empty eyes and gives in to the torment. Allowing it to take her completely into the murky depths of despair. Lost in the muddled gloom she fades away. "You win.", she whispers. There seems to be no fight left in her. Exhaustion and dellusion sweep over her like a tidal wave drowning her in the flood. The forlorn girl, bitter and wasted, looks into the reflection, and as one last salt laden tear falls down her cheek, closes her eyes and dies.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Late night thoughts.... fueled by beer and cigarettes.

Oh clarity. What a word. Clarity.

Just when you feel like "Ah ha! I've got it!" It slips right between your fingers. Like water from a fountain, it splashes down to the ground, almost mocking you in it's ease.

Listening to Rage right now. Calm like a Bomb. That's about how I feel at the moment. Calm like a bomb. There is a welling up inside me and God watch out when I blow.

Riotous maddness. Carefree desire. Tumultuous explosion. Chaos in it's purest form. That's what's in my head.

....I know, scary isn't it?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

There is so much that I want to tell you. So much that I have to say.

I am angry. At this situation. And I'm most angry at myself for letting myself get so lost in this "so-called" life.

I am always at everyone's call. Ready to do what is asked of me. Worried about the repercussions of failing "them". Always worried about the repercussions. How much of anything have I done for myself. Really?

I tried to remember all the good things so that I could numb out the bad. But I shouldn't have to do that. I don't want to do that anymore.

I deserve more. I want a something in my life that I cannot even name right now. I don't really know how to get it. I'm lost in blurry confusion... stereo fuzz. I can almost see it. I can sense it's greatness. And God help me, I'm gonna get it. No matter what, I will get it. I have to.


Stillness. That is what I seek.

I want off this carousel ride from hell.
The cackle of the wicked Carney tormenting me. He wants me to break.

Sometimes I fear that I will break. I am so fragile. My mind is fragile.

My thoughts spin round and round with me. Dizzy, dizzy, dizzy as we spin.

Will this terrifying ride ever end? "I want off! Let me off!" I scream, I plead, I implore my ravenous captor. But alas, he is unrelenting.

What is it that keeps me here? This perpetual Hell that I'm in. And why the wicked man to torment me?


Please give me hope. Please give me light.

Shining hope to light my way through this dark street.

I'm scared. The rattles of cans. The screech of tires. the shadowy figure ahead.

I need light to shine on me and bring clear radiant understanding to my world.

Light for this long walk ahead. A dark, quiet, lonely sidewalk. Filled with cracks, tears, scars. So dimly lit am I inside that I trip constantly over my own two feet.

Is this the right street? Will I get to my destination? How? I can't see it.

I need the light, bright and shining.
I need the light abundant and clear.
I need the light. I need it. The light.
I can't seem to find it . Anywhere.


My heart is so torn.

My thoughts consumed.

I seek forbidden treasures to which there is no easy path.

I long for solace, peace, joy and comfort. I long for a fiery heart.

My passion is bound up and chained. Bridled by metal and stone. Such painful restraints are these that don't allow me to be, in essence, free.

I wish so terribly to be free. My mind, heart and soul scream out for that which cannot be.

Will I forever live in these chains? Should I allow myself to whither into dust in these chains? This is not how it started, but it seems is how it will end. Ashes to ashes, chains and dust.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

The light....

How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light.
Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care, it's so unfair
Any day it'll all be over
Everyday there's nothing new
And now I just try to find some hope
To try and hold onto
But it starts again
It'll never end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
But then again
It doesn't end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do
And there's nothing I can do

Feels like I'm drowning
I'm screaming for air
(Screaming for air)
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
(What can I do)
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken

Sunday, September 13, 2009

If love be rough with you, be rough with love...

Ay me! sad hours seem long.

~ Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. ~

: Is love a tender thing? It is too rough, too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn.
Mercutio: If love be rough with you, be rough with love. Prick love for pricking and you beat love down.

Romeo: I dreamt a dream tonight.
Mercutio: And so did I.
Romeo: And what was yours?
Mercutio: That dreamers often lie.

"Virtue itself turns vice, being misapplied,
And vice sometime's by action dignified."
The Friar is saying that all things have the potential for both help and for harm (virtue and vice). His soliloquy is while he is picking herbs for his potions, but the properties do not relate strictly to plants. No matter what good qualities something (or someone) possesses, if they are misused for any reason, the result may be more harmful than helpful. You've heard of "too much of a good thing...", right? This idea will fit both Romeo and Juliet as the play progesses (foreshadowing) because, for them, too much love, no matter how wonderful it may be, once it is "misapplied" (becomes obsessive) will turn out to be disastrous. For them, "virtue itself turns vice" and they both commit suicide for love.

"What must be shall be."

"He that is strucken blind cannot forget
The precious treasure of his eyesight lost."
Romeo and Juliet, 1. 1

I have more care to stay than will to go.
Romeo and Juliet, 3. 5
Thank me no thankings, nor proud me no prouds.
Romeo and Juliet, 3. 5

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Lyrically speaking....

"Fix You"

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you